"Someone whose smile makes me feel I've been holding back,
and now there's nothing I can't do."
Built to Last - Melee
---------------------------------------------
DISCLAIMER: DONT READ THIS POST. IT WILL WASTE YOUR TIME.
Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami Let''s see, now, what was Naoko talking about that day?
Of course: the "field well." I have no idea whether such a well ever existed, It might have been an image or a sign that existed only inside Naoko, like all the other things she used to spin into existence inside her mind in those dark days. Once she had described it to me, though, I was never able to think of that meadow scene without the well. From that day forward, the image of a thing I had never laid eyes on became inseparably fused to the actual scene of the field that lay before me. I can go so far as to describe the well in minute detail. It lay precisely on the border where the meadow ended and the woods began-a dark opening in the earth a yard across, hidden by the meadow grass. Nothing marked its perimeter-no fence, no stone curb (at least not one that rose above ground level). It was nothing but a hole, a mouth open wide. The stones of its collar had been weathered and turned a strange muddy white. They were cracked and had chunks missing, and a little green lizard slithered into an open seam. You could lean over the edge and peer down to see nothing. All I knew about the well was its frightening depth. It was deep beyond measuring, and crammed full of darkness, as if all the world''s darknesses had been boiled down to their ultimate density.
"It''s really, really deep," said Naoko, choosing her words with care. She would speak that way sometimes, slowing down to find the exact word she was looking for. "But no one knows where it is," she continued. "The one thing I know for sure is that it''s around here somewhere."
Hands thrust into the pockets of her tweed jacket, she smiled at me as if to say "It''s true!"
"Then it must be incredibly dangerous," I said. "A deep well, but nobody knows where it is. You could fall in and that''d be the end of you."
"The end. Aaaaaaaah, splat. Finished."
"Things like that must actually happen."
"They do, every once in a while. Maybe once in two or three years. Somebody disappears all of a sudden, and they just can''t find him. So then the people around here say, ''Oh, he fell in the field well.''"
"Not a nice way to die," I said.
"No, it''s a terrible way to die," said Naoko, brushing a cluster of grass seed from her jacket. "The best thing would be to break your neck, but you''d probably just break your leg and then you couldn''t do a thing. You''d yell at the top of your lungs, but nobody''d hear you, and you couldn''t expect anybody to find you, and you''d have centipedes and spiders crawling all over you, and the bones of the ones who died before are scattered all around you, and it''s dark and soggy, and way overhead there''s this tiny, tiny circle of light like a winter moon. You die there in this place, little by little, all by yourself."
"Yuck, just thinking about it makes my flesh creep," I said. "''Somebody should find the thing and build a wall around it."
"But nobody can find it. So make sure you don''t go off the path."
"Don''t worry, I won''t."
Naoko took her left hand from her pocket and squeezed my hand. "Don''t you worry" she said. "You''ll be O.K. You could go running all around here in the middle of the night and you''d never fall into the well. And as long as I stick with you, I won''t fall in, either."
"Never?"
"Never!"
"How can you be so sure?"
"I just know," she said, increasing her grip on my hand and continuing on for a ways in silence. "I know these things. I''m always right. It''s got nothing to do with logic: I just feel it. For example, when I''m really close to you like this, I''m not the least bit scared. Nothing dark or evil could ever tempt me."
"Well, that answers that," I said. "All you have to do is stay with me like this all the time."
"Do you mean that?"
"Of course I mean it."
Naoko stopped short. So did I. She put her hands on my shoulders and peered into my eyes. Deep within her own pupils a heavy, black liquid swirled in a strange whirlpool pattern. Those beautiful eyes of hers were looking inside me for a long, long time. Then she stretched to her full height and touched her cheek to mine. It was a marvelous, warm gesture that stopped my heart for a moment.
"Thank you," she said.
"My pleasure," I answered.
"I''m so happy you said that, Really happy," she said with a sad smile. "But it''s impossible."
--------------------------------------------
I can't help but wonder how Mr. Murakami can pour so much emotion into words. So much depth and feeling from the soul to the paper. Maybe its coz they used to use pens back then. lol. typing sucks. LOL. -.- hmn. .
i guess i sometimes wish too that i could do things like that, to let emotion flow freely onto whatever canvas im painting my thoughts on. To remember not just the moments, but to put onto paper the emotions i felt (or am feeling) as a twenteen-on-the-verge-of-adulthood kid. I started the blog with the name "my21grams" with that exact initial intention, for this blogspot to be an outlet for the weight of my soul. .
seems most of what i've been doing instead is rant. lol.
. Even so, my memory has grown increasingly dim and i have already forgotten any number of things. Writing from memory lke this, i often feel a pang of dread. What if I've forgotten the most important thing? What if somewhere inside me there is this dark limbo where all the truly important memories are heaped and slowly turning into mud?
Be that as it may, it's all i have to work with. Clutching these faded, fading, imperfect memories to my breast, i go on writing this book with the desperate intensity of a starving man sucking on bones. This is the only way i know to keep my promise to Naoko
What if i forgot the most important things?
.
I blog to remember, so i look back at the better times (as i've done with my entries countless times before) and realise why i am who i am at whatever point of life. I guess it's just one of the other things i do to keep from getting lost.
.
But then again, im not writing some autobiography, or a book, its a blog everyone can read and have opinions about, so there are limitations.
.
limitations like, how some of you might be thinking right now (asuming you actually made it down here) what in the world would possess this boy (me) to actually pen (except its not really "pen" anymore izit?) weird things like that onto a online blog.
.
WELL. this afternoon i initially had the idea of letting this talk about emotions on paper lead slowly into things like friendship, about how no matter what, everyone judges. and how sometimes, its nice to have old friends, coz the older friends are, the less they seem to do that. but now that i took a uber long break halfway through the post to catch The Dark Knight for the 2nd time with the rest...
oh ok. -.- you know what, i WILL talk about it, since i alr said that much. LOL.
.
please excuse this post. i know its a total waste of space on the internet, but wth right, theres more than enough space here for a few lifetimes. -.-
.
like i was saying, i sorta figured out while taking a bath (you know how ppl always kinnda "figure things out" during baths right) that we're living in a world where everyone judges. as in, making assumtions from the things done, the things said, or even how you look and blah blah. and somehow thats the way it is with people.
.
i guess it's a lil' bit coz people want to fill out holes in other people, holes being things they dont know about each other, so they make guesses from what they can infer. you knowww.. like how some people wear branded clothes, and people start thinking that this guy's rich, and further infering that he's snobish and proud, or the other way around, where another doesnt dress nicely. But then again you can never really know can you, coz any of these two can be just brilliant actors (or that they just dont care), kidda thing.
.
yes i know im just full of shit lol. but yyeah im coming to my point! =P
.
so like, i was saying, i've actually managed to get to catch up with some of my older friends over the past few months, and it was simple meet-ups, you know, the kind where two of you just walk along the street and dont care if theres conversation or not, and when it's time for a sitdown, you just sitdown for a drink somewhere? Simple. and the one thing that strikes me as nostalgic is that.. no judging. just the coffee, me, and you. sure theres a lil bit of poking fun at each otherr.. or commenting on how this or that jacket looks good or not.. but nothing really hurtful see? its good-natured, edifying. coz old friends know where each other's lines are without having each other to draw it out over and over again, just like some of us may have to do with other people.
.
but to make old friends, you gotta first make new ones. right? =) and i guess that's what makes life interesting. its like they say, if you dont know the worst, you wont know the best if it slaps you in the face. so i guess we need to see the worst in people, before we can really appreciate good.
.
its like... a dirty diamond (i dont know why people keep using diamonds)
ok. lets not use diamonds.
its like...
.
.
.
like...
.
LOL. OKAY.
its like.. a rock. =) when you first see a rock (imagine you're a rock too please), it's nice, it has nice little jagged edges, with bits of lil shiny parts sticking thru it shines from time to time and makes you happy, especially when ur stuck somewhere in darkness. But when you spend enough time with this rock, you realise there's more to it than you thought, so you start rubbing away at it, which creates friction, sure it hurts, and the rock gets pretty hurt too, heating up and all like that, lol. but lets say you dont give up, you both go on rubbing away at each other until one day, you both realise beneath all that grime and dirt, you guys are not actually rocks,
.
you're diamonds!
.
LOL. SORRY STILL COULDNT THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE.
.
yyeah. so diamonds, and you two shine brightly for each other like you never imagined.
i guess. friendship's never really easy. but it's more than not always worth the pain. as long as you dont give up. =)
.
so. dont lor.
-----------------------------------------
lol. dont ask me what the post is about, coz i dont really have a clear idea myself. It was probably just inspired by the sad sad book i'm reading, or the things going on in life, or mayB even a random thing, like friendship or love. who knows? i've got a messed up mind. lol. hope i didnt waste ur time. =)
"Then it must be incredibly dangerous," I said. "A deep well, but nobody knows where it is. You could fall in and that''d be the end of you."
"The end. Aaaaaaaah, splat. Finished."
"Things like that must actually happen."
"They do, every once in a while. Maybe once in two or three years. Somebody disappears all of a sudden, and they just can''t find him. So then the people around here say, ''Oh, he fell in the field well.''
The night is darkest just before the dawn, And I promise you, the dawn is coming.
I want the world to be filled with pink candy floss and little mini pink and christmas green hearts floating around the sky blue (duh) sky.
LOL. OK NO. -.-
ok but yah. but i really actually love candy floss.
People call me tom (which happens to be my name) and everytime i speak chinese a little cute sheep on the other side of the world burns and dies in agony. I love soggy cabage cereal and suck at writing profiles. so just click your way away from this page and make sure you leave a tag after each visit to my21grams. Enjoy. =)
mw_dust@hotmail.com is my msn.
TOMU
Monday, August 18, 2008 @ 15:02
Built to Last.
"Someone whose smile makes me feel I've been holding back,
and now there's nothing I can't do."
Built to Last - Melee
---------------------------------------------
DISCLAIMER: DONT READ THIS POST. IT WILL WASTE YOUR TIME.
Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami Let''s see, now, what was Naoko talking about that day?
Of course: the "field well." I have no idea whether such a well ever existed, It might have been an image or a sign that existed only inside Naoko, like all the other things she used to spin into existence inside her mind in those dark days. Once she had described it to me, though, I was never able to think of that meadow scene without the well. From that day forward, the image of a thing I had never laid eyes on became inseparably fused to the actual scene of the field that lay before me. I can go so far as to describe the well in minute detail. It lay precisely on the border where the meadow ended and the woods began-a dark opening in the earth a yard across, hidden by the meadow grass. Nothing marked its perimeter-no fence, no stone curb (at least not one that rose above ground level). It was nothing but a hole, a mouth open wide. The stones of its collar had been weathered and turned a strange muddy white. They were cracked and had chunks missing, and a little green lizard slithered into an open seam. You could lean over the edge and peer down to see nothing. All I knew about the well was its frightening depth. It was deep beyond measuring, and crammed full of darkness, as if all the world''s darknesses had been boiled down to their ultimate density.
"It''s really, really deep," said Naoko, choosing her words with care. She would speak that way sometimes, slowing down to find the exact word she was looking for. "But no one knows where it is," she continued. "The one thing I know for sure is that it''s around here somewhere."
Hands thrust into the pockets of her tweed jacket, she smiled at me as if to say "It''s true!"
"Then it must be incredibly dangerous," I said. "A deep well, but nobody knows where it is. You could fall in and that''d be the end of you."
"The end. Aaaaaaaah, splat. Finished."
"Things like that must actually happen."
"They do, every once in a while. Maybe once in two or three years. Somebody disappears all of a sudden, and they just can''t find him. So then the people around here say, ''Oh, he fell in the field well.''"
"Not a nice way to die," I said.
"No, it''s a terrible way to die," said Naoko, brushing a cluster of grass seed from her jacket. "The best thing would be to break your neck, but you''d probably just break your leg and then you couldn''t do a thing. You''d yell at the top of your lungs, but nobody''d hear you, and you couldn''t expect anybody to find you, and you''d have centipedes and spiders crawling all over you, and the bones of the ones who died before are scattered all around you, and it''s dark and soggy, and way overhead there''s this tiny, tiny circle of light like a winter moon. You die there in this place, little by little, all by yourself."
"Yuck, just thinking about it makes my flesh creep," I said. "''Somebody should find the thing and build a wall around it."
"But nobody can find it. So make sure you don''t go off the path."
"Don''t worry, I won''t."
Naoko took her left hand from her pocket and squeezed my hand. "Don''t you worry" she said. "You''ll be O.K. You could go running all around here in the middle of the night and you''d never fall into the well. And as long as I stick with you, I won''t fall in, either."
"Never?"
"Never!"
"How can you be so sure?"
"I just know," she said, increasing her grip on my hand and continuing on for a ways in silence. "I know these things. I''m always right. It''s got nothing to do with logic: I just feel it. For example, when I''m really close to you like this, I''m not the least bit scared. Nothing dark or evil could ever tempt me."
"Well, that answers that," I said. "All you have to do is stay with me like this all the time."
"Do you mean that?"
"Of course I mean it."
Naoko stopped short. So did I. She put her hands on my shoulders and peered into my eyes. Deep within her own pupils a heavy, black liquid swirled in a strange whirlpool pattern. Those beautiful eyes of hers were looking inside me for a long, long time. Then she stretched to her full height and touched her cheek to mine. It was a marvelous, warm gesture that stopped my heart for a moment.
"Thank you," she said.
"My pleasure," I answered.
"I''m so happy you said that, Really happy," she said with a sad smile. "But it''s impossible."
--------------------------------------------
I can't help but wonder how Mr. Murakami can pour so much emotion into words. So much depth and feeling from the soul to the paper. Maybe its coz they used to use pens back then. lol. typing sucks. LOL. -.- hmn. .
i guess i sometimes wish too that i could do things like that, to let emotion flow freely onto whatever canvas im painting my thoughts on. To remember not just the moments, but to put onto paper the emotions i felt (or am feeling) as a twenteen-on-the-verge-of-adulthood kid. I started the blog with the name "my21grams" with that exact initial intention, for this blogspot to be an outlet for the weight of my soul. .
seems most of what i've been doing instead is rant. lol.
. Even so, my memory has grown increasingly dim and i have already forgotten any number of things. Writing from memory lke this, i often feel a pang of dread. What if I've forgotten the most important thing? What if somewhere inside me there is this dark limbo where all the truly important memories are heaped and slowly turning into mud?
Be that as it may, it's all i have to work with. Clutching these faded, fading, imperfect memories to my breast, i go on writing this book with the desperate intensity of a starving man sucking on bones. This is the only way i know to keep my promise to Naoko
What if i forgot the most important things?
.
I blog to remember, so i look back at the better times (as i've done with my entries countless times before) and realise why i am who i am at whatever point of life. I guess it's just one of the other things i do to keep from getting lost.
.
But then again, im not writing some autobiography, or a book, its a blog everyone can read and have opinions about, so there are limitations.
.
limitations like, how some of you might be thinking right now (asuming you actually made it down here) what in the world would possess this boy (me) to actually pen (except its not really "pen" anymore izit?) weird things like that onto a online blog.
.
WELL. this afternoon i initially had the idea of letting this talk about emotions on paper lead slowly into things like friendship, about how no matter what, everyone judges. and how sometimes, its nice to have old friends, coz the older friends are, the less they seem to do that. but now that i took a uber long break halfway through the post to catch The Dark Knight for the 2nd time with the rest...
oh ok. -.- you know what, i WILL talk about it, since i alr said that much. LOL.
.
please excuse this post. i know its a total waste of space on the internet, but wth right, theres more than enough space here for a few lifetimes. -.-
.
like i was saying, i sorta figured out while taking a bath (you know how ppl always kinnda "figure things out" during baths right) that we're living in a world where everyone judges. as in, making assumtions from the things done, the things said, or even how you look and blah blah. and somehow thats the way it is with people.
.
i guess it's a lil' bit coz people want to fill out holes in other people, holes being things they dont know about each other, so they make guesses from what they can infer. you knowww.. like how some people wear branded clothes, and people start thinking that this guy's rich, and further infering that he's snobish and proud, or the other way around, where another doesnt dress nicely. But then again you can never really know can you, coz any of these two can be just brilliant actors (or that they just dont care), kidda thing.
.
yes i know im just full of shit lol. but yyeah im coming to my point! =P
.
so like, i was saying, i've actually managed to get to catch up with some of my older friends over the past few months, and it was simple meet-ups, you know, the kind where two of you just walk along the street and dont care if theres conversation or not, and when it's time for a sitdown, you just sitdown for a drink somewhere? Simple. and the one thing that strikes me as nostalgic is that.. no judging. just the coffee, me, and you. sure theres a lil bit of poking fun at each otherr.. or commenting on how this or that jacket looks good or not.. but nothing really hurtful see? its good-natured, edifying. coz old friends know where each other's lines are without having each other to draw it out over and over again, just like some of us may have to do with other people.
.
but to make old friends, you gotta first make new ones. right? =) and i guess that's what makes life interesting. its like they say, if you dont know the worst, you wont know the best if it slaps you in the face. so i guess we need to see the worst in people, before we can really appreciate good.
.
its like... a dirty diamond (i dont know why people keep using diamonds)
ok. lets not use diamonds.
its like...
.
.
.
like...
.
LOL. OKAY.
its like.. a rock. =) when you first see a rock (imagine you're a rock too please), it's nice, it has nice little jagged edges, with bits of lil shiny parts sticking thru it shines from time to time and makes you happy, especially when ur stuck somewhere in darkness. But when you spend enough time with this rock, you realise there's more to it than you thought, so you start rubbing away at it, which creates friction, sure it hurts, and the rock gets pretty hurt too, heating up and all like that, lol. but lets say you dont give up, you both go on rubbing away at each other until one day, you both realise beneath all that grime and dirt, you guys are not actually rocks,
.
you're diamonds!
.
LOL. SORRY STILL COULDNT THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE.
.
yyeah. so diamonds, and you two shine brightly for each other like you never imagined.
i guess. friendship's never really easy. but it's more than not always worth the pain. as long as you dont give up. =)
.
so. dont lor.
-----------------------------------------
lol. dont ask me what the post is about, coz i dont really have a clear idea myself. It was probably just inspired by the sad sad book i'm reading, or the things going on in life, or mayB even a random thing, like friendship or love. who knows? i've got a messed up mind. lol. hope i didnt waste ur time. =)
"Then it must be incredibly dangerous," I said. "A deep well, but nobody knows where it is. You could fall in and that''d be the end of you."
"The end. Aaaaaaaah, splat. Finished."
"Things like that must actually happen."
"They do, every once in a while. Maybe once in two or three years. Somebody disappears all of a sudden, and they just can''t find him. So then the people around here say, ''Oh, he fell in the field well.''
The night is darkest just before the dawn, And I promise you, the dawn is coming.